Thursday, December 4, 2008

Naked Truth

I stand naked in front of the mirror only looking at my eyes. Bracing myself, steadying myself for the journey I'm about to embark upon.

Slowly - painfully slow, I allow my eyes to fall downward. The irony of this movement is not lost on me and for a very brief moment I waiver and wonder if I should do this?

Taking a deep breath I reserve my strength and begin the descent again. My eyes slide down the sides of my neck and pause to rest on my shoulders. I am trying to reserve judgement and merely explore the shapes and horizons before me. Sadly, I realise this has become the best of me. I rest for a while, enjoying the view. This is nice. But what waits for me? Will it be worse than I imagined?

I brush the questions aside. I tell myself, no matter what I find I will be OK. Funny how I've become an explorer on familiar terrain. I never expected the landscape to change so drastically. In the past I've brushed over the landscape in order to get to where I was going. In other words, I've never really looked before. Avoidance.

Shocked by the nooks and valleys, I look more closely. I must do this for myself. Not only to see but to accept and become familiar again...

This time I allow myself to travel the rocky terrain of my breasts. These breasts are the part of my body I've always wished to re landscape. Some people get black eyes while jumping with a horse because the horse throws it's head back. I've always said I get black eyes from simply running across the room. Time and age has taken it's toll...

The landscape starts where they once had jutted perkily outward saying " I am woman hear me roar" or rather, 'want some?" Alright, they were never 'perky', but they were always present. I know this because men often have a difficult time keeping their eyes on me if I put them out there and dress them up.

For some reason my chest is this wonderful present that men always fancied unwrapping. I've always thought that it's all about the presentation. I dressed it up and somehow made it more appealing because you can't see everything.

Will unwrapping the present matter more than what's within? I've been with men who are far more interested in the actual undressing - apparently it's a turn on. Truth be told - it bores me. I want to feel, to be touched, to be delved into. I want to be worshipped by another body. But is this body worth worshipping. So far? Not so good.

Marked like balloons blown much too large, they sit upon my chest, looking as deflated as I feel. I'm starting to judge quality rather than really seeing what is in front of me. The human body. The breasts that fed my children and encouraged their lives. These saggy, baggy "fun bags" that help to define me as female and gave life. And now I'm left with two empty sacks looking very tired and humble as they worship the floor. No sunflowers here gazing towards the sun. Their work is done and they are pointing me onward. Downward. I try to encourage their previous beauty by lifting them up towards the light. I try to imagine what it might feel like if I were my lover using them for pleasure. If I close my eyes - they feel like breasts only they move about 5 inches further than most women's do. I allow myself to think back to puberty...

I shouldn't have done that. It's one thing to be changed and quite another to remember the difference.

I remember standing in front of the mirror in my bedroom, with the lights on at night thrashing my arms around, joyously singing, "I must! I must! I MUST increase my bust!". Only to realise in dismay that my profile was directly in front of my window and everyone in the neighbourhood could see me! I smile knowing that in those days someone would have really enjoyed the show.

Alright. They are big, saggy, defeated breasts that are attached to me. I have decided they are not that bad. A good bra can hide my secret and who needs the light on during intimate moments anyway? I'm proud of every wrinkle and stretch mark. They have fed the hungry(in more ways than one). And while I don't particularly enjoy them, with a little imagination and deprivation they might just do the job in a pinch! Besides, I could always impress a man by spinning them in different directions. Who needs tassels when you have breasts that rotate!

Now that I'm less frightened by what I see, I continue my journey downward. The stomach. Jelly belly. I decide that I could give Santa a run for his money because I truly have a belly that looks and acts a lot like jelly.

I'm embarrassed. Not only is it jiggling flesh, it's also marked by bright red stretchmarks. There are also a few scars left over from gallbladder surgery. I run my fingers gently over my not-so-smooth and not-so-flat stomach. Once, I was tiny enough to have abs showing, now I have ripples caused by flesh stretched beyond it's capacity. No judgement, just a fact. My belly is no longer sexy! But more importantly do I care?

I've decided I can have all these things fixed by surgery. In fact, it could be a matter of weeks as I'm waiting to hear back from the hospital for a surgery date. I made the decision that I want the outside of my body to match the inside of me.

No amount of exercise will change the bagginess, the sags, stretchmarks or the jiggling. In fact, the more fit I become the worse the problems get. I need help. I just want to feel as beautiful on the outside as I do on the inside.

Ultimately, I'm proud of my body, despite it's imperfections. It's wonderful and strong and very capable.

3 comments:

Addiction Medicine Plus said...

Hello: Perhaps you judge yourself to harshly. Outside-inside--inside-outside--we all age at our own age. I do a 'Slow Burn' weight routine weekly as well as Chi Kung daily and I don't think much about ins and outs. Your Blog is great! Well done. mc


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Jess said...

What a great, evocative blog.

Saphira said...

Thanks so much for your feed back. I appreciate your comments. Perhaps I do judge harshly but task was not to judge but truly see what is in the mirror. Hard to do. But I absolutely love the outcome.

Thanks for stopping by!