Hope

Sometimes it is just too painful to breath...to think...to feel...to make sound...

In silence there is refuge.

Stillness.

A place of rest.

Silence is sound. It echos loudly within us all. Silence is deafening. Silence is a place to dwell within but we fear it will crush us.

Tonight I live in silence surrounded by grief.

Grief...a place where I have come to know death by a first name...

Grief. An empty barren place filled with so much space, one can hardly breath. A place where you go to find comfort and you are truly alone in time, yet enfolded in death's embrace. In this place you are coloured by memories of pain and emptiness - filled with loud silence.

Grief. I hate grief. Leave me alone. Please let me live in the land of hope and dreams...

Hope and dreams. Hope is a beautiful world painted with meaning and joy. Filled with the warmth of sunshine...

May I grieve in silence? May I mourn in peace? May I dance in the sunshine? Do I have to use my voice?

My voice is tired. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of trimming my soul of dead debris, lost hopes and faded warn out dreams.

I will stop fearing you grief. I will embrace you like the martyr I am and I will welcome you into my soul. I will no longer fight the pain but ride it into the silent, dark, space that will change my life. I will sob and cry out like the tree that falls in the forest. Do you hear me? !

I will yell and scream my lungs out and beat my chest until the blood pours from my body and washes away my pain - my loss.

I will grieve and sob, and sob, and sob some more. But you will NOT stop me from loving and living. I will feel pain and be forced to cry out, but I will continue to believe, live, love, laugh and dream.

It's mine in silence.

It's mine.